can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
