I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
