my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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