She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
