it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
