So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
