I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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