Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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