Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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