I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
