Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
