Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
