got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
