last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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