I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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