Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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