I think my fart just growled at me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
3pm strippers are depressing
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
