These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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