I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
