I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
