come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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