My room smells like vodka and shame
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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