i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
