How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
