8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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