i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
