Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
