Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
