I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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