Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
