we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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