When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
