Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
