You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
