I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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