Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
