i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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