Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
