I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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