Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
