Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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