I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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