Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
