I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
