Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
