i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
