I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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