i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
