My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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