There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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