and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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