I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
