i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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