Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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