Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
