Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
