apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
